What Would Love Do Right Now in Your Formative Relationships?

As a newborn baby, you smell so good and feel so soft. You are kissable and huggable. You express yourself fully, holding nothing back. Even when you fill your diaper, others see it as an accomplishment.

Newborn babies are so miraculous. They are fresh, untouched, and unscathed by life, love, boys, girls, parents, school, other kids, or siblings. They are pure and precious. Each of us enters the world in this state.

So, what happened? When does this begin to change for us? What happened is life in its fullest measure with all its giving and taking, its longings, disappointments, pleasures, pains, hurt, trauma, abuse, and even death. Over time, we become hardened, dry, unexpressive, angry, bitter, and mean; sometimes we even get abusive. You may not know any other way to be; you may take things out on others around you, especially those you love the most, and the cycle continues. You may be asking, “Is this all there is? There has to be more to life than this.” I am here to tell you…there is!

Your Relationship with Your Parents

Loving and being loved fully starts by healing your relationship with your parents. It’s never too late, even if they are deceased or no longer in your life. Most of your current reality stems from unresolved past experiences while growing up with your parent(s) or primary caregiver(s).

As a young child, the world was all about you and you believed everything bad that happened was YOUR FAULT. For example: if your mother was crying, it was your fault; if your father was angry, it was your fault; if your parents divorced, it was your fault. As a result, you may have thought, “If I were more helpful, my mother wouldn’t be sad,” “If I were quieter, my father wouldn’t yell,” or “If I behaved better, they wouldn’t get divorced.”

As a teenager, you may have shifted the blame to your parents believing every bad thing that happened to you was THEIR FAULT. For example: if your boyfriend broke up with you, it was somehow your mother’s fault; if you didn’t make the team, it was somehow your father’s fault; if you failed your driver’s test, it was somehow your parents’ fault. As a result, you may have thought, “There’s something wrong with me,” “I’m unlovable,” or “I can’t count on anyone.”

As an adult, you may have come to understand that your parents did the best they could, and yet they were less than ideal parents. Like you, your parents were once children. They also experienced many unmet needs, disappointments, hurts, betrayals, and feelings that were never resolved. Like you, out of these unresolved experiences, they drew negative conclusions and developed beliefs about themselves, others, relationships, finances, and life in general, such as: “I’m unworthy and don’t deserve anything good,” “Men hurt me/Women smother me,” or “Life is unsafe and scary.”

It’s important to note that your parents behaved as if these conclusions, beliefs, and judgments were true—they could not be or act any other way— and neither can you.

However, if your inner child is still harboring feelings of hurt and betrayal, or any experiences of neglect, abandonment, or abuse, resolving them— putting them in the past where they belong—can free you to be the person you know you can be.

It’s important to identify and change your resonance with the earlier experiences, the unresolved feelings, and conclusions you came to about yourself, others, and life that are currently keeping you from attaining the extraordinary life you are here to live.

It is never too late to have a great relationship with your parents.

Your Relationship with Others

While you were growing up, in addition to your relationship with your parent(s), your relationships with other people also continue to have an impact on how you relate to others in your day-to-day life.

Consider, as a child, there were moments in your relationships with your playmates or siblings when you may have felt jealous, superior, protective, rejected, shamed, etc. Also, you may have felt forced to interact and be on your best behavior with other family members—grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. During your school years, how your teachers and coaches related to you may have had a significant effect on your beliefs about your own intelligence, capacity to learn, and ability to compete. All of these relationships continue to affect how you relate to yourself and others, your self-confidence, as well as your view of life today.

This is where Resonance Repatterning® comes in. This method, developed by Chloe Faith Wordsworth, releases the resonance with unresolved harmful experiences, the unmet life needs, along with the resulting feelings and beliefs. You may want to consider going to the Repatterning Practitioners Association website and choosing a certified practitioner you feel guided to working with and give them a call. You’ll be amazed at the results.

May the wisdom inside you take you on a journey into your heart where your greatness abides. Now, that’s living a heart-centered, extraordinary life!

Lovingly Submitted,

Victoria Benoit, M.C.                                                                                                          

Healer, Speaker, Amazon #1 Bestselling Author, What Would Love Do Right Now?  A Guide to Living an Extraordinary Life.

Four Steps to Making Amends

Making amends is about others and restoring those relationships that you have broken or damaged. The desire to make amends arises when you’re willing to take responsibility for what happened and the impact it had on those involved. It’s not suitable for everyday mishaps—it’s best used for significant incidents that warrant extra consideration and may simply depend on the importance of the relationship.

When you harm others and make no effort to repair the relationship, you tend to avoid those people and large areas of your life become closed off. When you begin making amends, you have the opportunity to restore your relationships and have those areas open up again.

Seeking to mend a relationship involves forgiving yourself, offering a sincere apology, making necessary restitution, and accepting responsibility by taking steps to avoid making the same mistake in the future.

Step 1: Forgiving Yourself

Being able to make amends to others starts with forgiving yourself. In his tiny buddha® blog Michael Davidson says, “Forgiving yourself is far more challenging than forgiving someone else, because you must live with yourself and your thoughts 24/7.”

When you’ve done something you consider wrong, the accompanying emotion registers in your nervous system. For example, you may feel guilty if you mistreated someone; or you may feel sad, if you made a mistake that cost you a friendship. When these emotions register, they usually contribute to negative thoughts and limiting beliefs you have about yourself, like “I can’t do anything right,” or “I’m a bad person.”

More than anything else, forgiving yourself requires that you acknowledge your actions have consequences for yourself and others. However, any attempt to forgive yourself—before letting go of the negative emotions and beliefs—won’t work. You’ll just continue to berate yourself, because your nervous system is in control.

Step 2: Offering a Sincere Apology

In order for an apology to be effective, it must be genuine and go to the heart of the matter for the person you wronged. Consider carefully what you’re going to say. Be accountable—don’t make excuses or deflect blame. Be sure to include the crucial words, I’m sorry.

  • State what happened.

“I’m sorry I didn’t pay you back when I promised I would.”

  • Acknowledge the impact your actions had on the other person to show that you fully understand.

“I know it was my fault that you had to cancel your vacation.”

  • Express your desire to restore this relationship.

“Our relationship means a lot to me.”

Step 3: Making Restitution

Whether you’ve robbed someone of time, money, property, trust, attention, dignity, or well-being, it’s important to do what you can to restore that which you’ve taken.

The essence of restitution is finding out what the other person needs and determining if, and when, you can provide that. It starts with an inquiry.

  • Ask what the person needs from you to restore the relationship.

“How can I make it up to you?”

Then, let the other person respond. Just listen. If the request is ethical and you’re willing to fulfill on it, you have two options:

  • Agree to their request and time frame.

“I can do that when I get paid on Friday.”

  • Suggest an alternative if you’re unable to comply.

“I can’t pay you in full now, but I will make weekly payments.”

Step 4: Accepting Responsibility

Accepting responsibility is about making a genuine change in your behavior and taking on a whole new way of living.

Everyone has made mistakes, but the only mistakes that will undermine your happiness are the ones you’re unwilling to admit.

Be honest in expressing what you’ve learned from this mistake. This helps the other person trust that you’re sincerely making amends for your past behavior. Describe the ways in which you’re making changes in your life to refrain from repeating the wrongdoing.

  • Admit your transgression.

“I was wrong to take your money and not honor my agreement.”

  • Tell what you’ve learned.

“I’ve learned that I’ve been totally unreliable about money.”

  • Declare any action(s) you’re taking.

“I’m participating in a debt management course, and I’m having 10% of my paycheck directly deposited into a savings account.”

Keep it simple. A long apology will start to lose its power. Make your points clearly and effectively.

Give the other person time to respond. Grant them the space, time, and freedom to vent, if necessary. Be willing to listen without judgment and accept their point of view, even if some of their perceptions of the situation seem inaccurate. They have every right to feel the way they feel.

Keep in mind, although making amends can free you, it doesn’t always mean that the relationship will be restored—or that the process will be sufficient for the other person to forgive you.

In the Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12-Step program, Step 9 states, “Make direct amends to those people you have harmed wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” When direct amends is not possible or appropriate, there are many ways to complete the four-step process without personal contact. For example: you could write the person a letter; you could imagine yourself having a conversation with the other person; you could create a collage. Your mind does not know the difference between what is real and imagined, which is why visualization is so powerful.

You will be amazed how clean the slate becomes by making amends. Remember to be gentle with yourself throughout the process.

If someone is making amends to you, let them. Be generous and be gracious. Refrain from making the restitution you request out of proportion with what they did.

This is where Resonance Repatterning® comes in. This method, developed by Chloe Faith Wordsworth, releases the resonance with any unhealed parts of yourself that would keep you from forgiving yourself and/or others. You may want to consider going to the Repatterning Practitioners Association website and choosing a certified practitioner you feel guided to working with and give them a call. You’ll be amazed at the results.

May the wisdom inside you take you on a journey into your heart where your greatness abides. Now, that’s living a heart-centered, extraordinary life!

Lovingly Submitted,

Victoria Benoit, M.C.

Healer, Speaker, Amazon #1 Bestselling Author, What Would Love Do Right Now?  A Guide to Living an Extraordinary Life.

Be the Change

Change is inevitable! It is the only thing constant in life. You can either resist it, or embrace it like an adventure. It is not always easy to do, but it is necessary if you want to live an extraordinary life. One way you can embrace the changes, which are occurring in your life, is by acknowledging your part in the change.

One Friday afternoon, a woman, who hated her job and wanted out, manifested the job of her dreams after a Resonance Repatterning® session. In the session, she admitted that she really wanted a more rewarding job, but was procrastinating. We identified the unconscious pattern that was holding her back and shifted her resonance to deserving a much better, higher-paying, creative position that showcased her unique gifts and talents.

Lo and behold, when she went to work the following Monday morning, she was summoned to her boss’s office and promptly fired. She called me very irate and blamed me for her getting fired. I encouraged her to look at how powerful she was and how fast the universe provided her with verification of her new resonance. I reminded her of how she had been procrastinating about finding a better job and could now embrace and be grateful for the opportunity to create the job of her dreams. . .and so she did!

While change is inevitable, it can also be emotional, especially when your partner moves on from what you thought was a committed relationship. Rather than engaging in finding fault and placing blame, simply be willing to accept what is so about the situation. Life is too short to resist change and perceive it as “it shouldn’t be this way.” The sooner you stop judging and assessing what was good from what was bad, and who was right from who was wrong, the quicker you will be empowered and experience inner peace. By embracing change and granting yourself the grace to let your partner go, you will have more energy to move forward with ease, grounded in the fact that from what you learned in this relationship, you will be able to attract an even better partner who wants to be with you.

The quote, “Be the change you want to see in the world,” profoundly transformed the relationship I had with my father. After having four children, my mother and father divorced. He remarried and started a new family. On the rare occasions that we talked, it seemed that he just reported how things were going with him and his new family. He would tell me all the things I wished I had done with him when I was young, but since we did not live together, my siblings and I did not get to do many of those memorable activities. I found myself becoming more and more envious.

I noticed that what was missing for me in his calls was acknowledgment for who I was in his life. So, I started acknowledging him for being a great father to his other three children and how fortunate they were to get to do all the things they were doing and to have him as a dad. After just two phone calls, he started asking about me and my life and acknowledging me for being a great daughter. He also acknowledged me for the difference I was making in the lives of my clients. These were things he had never told me before.

It’s true, by being the change you want to see in the world — providing the very thing you think is missing in your relationships — you too can experience what your heart desires, just as I did. In the very giving of it, my father gave back to me genuine love and acknowledgement. It was quite remarkable.

So, be the change, embrace the change, expect the change and you too can live an extraordinary life filled with everything you desire — a life where you can hardly wait to get up and one that is overflowing with love, joy, passion, and fulfillment.

Lovingly Submitted,
Victoria Benoit, M.C.
Healer, Speaker, Bestselling Author – What Would Love Do Right Now? A Guide to Living an Extraordinary Life

 

Why Are You Unhappy? (Wei Wu Wei)

I first heard this poem read online by author David Whyte. When he reads a poem his voice tone truly adds to the dimension and my understanding of the poem. Imagine an earthy Irish brogue voice reading this:

“Why are you unhappy?
Because 99.9 per cent
Of everything you think,
And of everything you do,
Is for yourself —
And there isn’t one.”

From “Ask The Awakened” by Wei Wu Wei

The question “Why are you so unhappy” triggers us to put a name to any malaise we may be experiencing. In a nanosecond before finishing the first line, we’ll hear in our head a rapid firing of all our grievances that add up to “Why we are so unhappy”. BUT! – our excuses and reasons are short lived. Author Wei Wu Wei, takes the juice of justification and tells us the truth. We don’t exist. We don’t have a self that can be made happy. In the broad scheme of the universe or the end goal of enlightenment, we discover that we are nothing or no thing. We are part of the vast universe of emptiness from which all things arise. Wrap your mind around that! Then know that we do exist in relation to each other – part of the vast interconnection of the grid of humanity. It may change your orientation to having status, stuff or having things for yourself… as your motivation for what makes you happy.

When you realize that everything we think and do is for everyone, we suddenly lose an orientation toward choice and instead embody an obligation to serve the whole. In each present moment, we ask “What is my purpose here for the highest and best for everyone?”  “How are my choices benefiting me and everyone else?”   “What do I appreciate about myself and everyone here?”

The poem is from a classic book of poetry and essays written by an anonymous author who went by the name of Wei Wu Wei. Google his name for a very interesting story. He wrote a number of books from 1958 to 1974. ‘Why are you so unhappy’ is from the book “Ask the Awakened – The Negative Way”, first published in 1963.

To help integrate repatterning sessions I often recommend clients take time to  reflect on a session and journal about their experiences.    On the path of enlightenment or healing, the  writing of Wei Woo Wei can help you reflect a little deeper on life and living.

With love and light
Carolyn Winter
Holographic Coach

C H A N G E

Change is inevitable! It is unable to be avoided, evaded, or escaped and is certain to occur. It is unalterable most of the times. One of the only things consistent in life is change, its ebb and flow, the ups and downs, the ins and outs. Once we stop fighting against change, we can embrace it and let life flow naturally.

C     Change takes Courage! It is an act of bravery. It takes guts to really look at one’s life, evaluate it, and then take action to make the necessary modifications. It also takes courage for our clients to come in or call for sessions. They have done their initial evaluation of different aspects of their life they want change in, or they are plain ‘fed up’ with the consequences of the resonance of their patterns. We collaborate with them and give them the inspiration and the new resonance to experience the changes they want to see in their lives.

H     Happiness is achieved through making the needed changes that we have previously thought insurmountable. Have you ever put off making that phone call or talking to your boss, employee, partner, parents, only to find out that it was a piece of cake. Why do we wait to do those things that our mind thinks are going to ‘not be pleasant’, or ‘not turn out?’ It is because our mind believes our fears are true. Our mind does not know the difference between what is real and what is imagined. I recently came upon “The Work” by Byron Katie. She uses four questions to turn around what you are questioning, which can specifically help with our fears. Here are the questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Try it the next time you feel some resistance to communicate with someone that you know in your heart needs to happen. Watch the positive change and feel it in your body. The relief and personal accomplishment is always worth the risk! This reminds me of a quote by Erica Jong, “If you don’t risk anything, you risk even more!” I have used this form of questioning, as a modality with some of my clients and the turn around is amazing!

A     Attitude is paramount, and action is essential! Our attitude determines what we experience in every situation. Think about waiting in line for something. What is your attitude? Are you irritated or are you calm and perhaps reading a good novel while you are waiting? You always get what you put out. Your attitude, even when you are standing up for yourself, can either make or break the outcome. When you catch yourself being irritated, do an experiment and try different things to change it and notice what you experience. You might try breathing deeply in and out through your nose. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system for calm and relaxation. Notice what you experience, and also notice the difference in those around you. Just by changing your attitude, they change.

Your attitude also makes a huge difference when you are making changes in your life. Patience is a virtue. Rome was not built overnight. There is probably a good reason things are taking longer than you thought they would. Think about the times that you looked back on other previous delays and how it all made sense over time. Breathe!

Many people want to make changes but may feel overwhelmed by everything that would have to be done to make it happen. There already is not one moment to spare in their already full life. Let us take moving for example, especially when you have been in the same home for ten years. Just thinking about it feels overwhelming. I have used a wonderful process that helps with overwhelm. Let us say you want to move in six months. Get a poster board and starting on the far right side, write down the moving date. In the middle of the poster board would be three months from now, half of that would be six weeks from now, etc. and today’s date would be on the far left. Starting at the end date and moving to today, write down what would need to be accomplished by when. Soon you will see that what you actually have to do today and even this week is much more attainable that you previously thought. It is very manageable. Action is the key and being consistent will ensure your success!

N     New possibilities can be a by-product of change. Change can be uplifting and exciting. I love the explanation of Chaos Theory. It suggests that within the chaos of our problems or the changes we are going through, especially the ones that we did not expect or are sudden, or even seem to be out of our control, there is actually a new order – something good, better and beyond what we thought was possible. I am reminded of a country song by, Garth Brooks, “Thank God for Unanswered Prayers.” The lyrics, if I recall correctly, were about a man who was praying that his high school sweetheart would be his, which never happened. He is now with his wife, the woman beyond his dreams, better than what he ever thought possible; hence, thank God for unanswered prayers. So, the next time, change feels impossible to handle or a problem seems impossible to cope with, remember this principle and look for the new order, the unanswered prayer and you will find it!

G     Growth is immanent as we embrace change. It can’t not happen. The two go hand in hand. As we go with the flow and make the necessary changes as life presents us opportunities, the growth is natural. If we kick, scream, and resist change, it will kick us from behind every time. If we accept what is, we can take the next step, then the next step after that, until we have reached where the change is heading us. In the meantime, we come into our greatness.

E     Expansiveness is the result! As we use change to our advantage with enthusiasm, we can begin to see that change is actually necessary. Change can now be an avenue to evolve in our consciousness–to become the people we want to become.