What Would Love Do Right Now in Your Formative Relationships?

As a newborn baby, you smell so good and feel so soft. You are kissable and huggable. You express yourself fully, holding nothing back. Even when you fill your diaper, others see it as an accomplishment.

Newborn babies are so miraculous. They are fresh, untouched, and unscathed by life, love, boys, girls, parents, school, other kids, or siblings. They are pure and precious. Each of us enters the world in this state.

So, what happened? When does this begin to change for us? What happened is life in its fullest measure with all its giving and taking, its longings, disappointments, pleasures, pains, hurt, trauma, abuse, and even death. Over time, we become hardened, dry, unexpressive, angry, bitter, and mean; sometimes we even get abusive. You may not know any other way to be; you may take things out on others around you, especially those you love the most, and the cycle continues. You may be asking, “Is this all there is? There has to be more to life than this.” I am here to tell you…there is!

Your Relationship with Your Parents

Loving and being loved fully starts by healing your relationship with your parents. It’s never too late, even if they are deceased or no longer in your life. Most of your current reality stems from unresolved past experiences while growing up with your parent(s) or primary caregiver(s).

As a young child, the world was all about you and you believed everything bad that happened was YOUR FAULT. For example: if your mother was crying, it was your fault; if your father was angry, it was your fault; if your parents divorced, it was your fault. As a result, you may have thought, “If I were more helpful, my mother wouldn’t be sad,” “If I were quieter, my father wouldn’t yell,” or “If I behaved better, they wouldn’t get divorced.”

As a teenager, you may have shifted the blame to your parents believing every bad thing that happened to you was THEIR FAULT. For example: if your boyfriend broke up with you, it was somehow your mother’s fault; if you didn’t make the team, it was somehow your father’s fault; if you failed your driver’s test, it was somehow your parents’ fault. As a result, you may have thought, “There’s something wrong with me,” “I’m unlovable,” or “I can’t count on anyone.”

As an adult, you may have come to understand that your parents did the best they could, and yet they were less than ideal parents. Like you, your parents were once children. They also experienced many unmet needs, disappointments, hurts, betrayals, and feelings that were never resolved. Like you, out of these unresolved experiences, they drew negative conclusions and developed beliefs about themselves, others, relationships, finances, and life in general, such as: “I’m unworthy and don’t deserve anything good,” “Men hurt me/Women smother me,” or “Life is unsafe and scary.”

It’s important to note that your parents behaved as if these conclusions, beliefs, and judgments were true—they could not be or act any other way— and neither can you.

However, if your inner child is still harboring feelings of hurt and betrayal, or any experiences of neglect, abandonment, or abuse, resolving them— putting them in the past where they belong—can free you to be the person you know you can be.

It’s important to identify and change your resonance with the earlier experiences, the unresolved feelings, and conclusions you came to about yourself, others, and life that are currently keeping you from attaining the extraordinary life you are here to live.

It is never too late to have a great relationship with your parents.

Your Relationship with Others

While you were growing up, in addition to your relationship with your parent(s), your relationships with other people also continue to have an impact on how you relate to others in your day-to-day life.

Consider, as a child, there were moments in your relationships with your playmates or siblings when you may have felt jealous, superior, protective, rejected, shamed, etc. Also, you may have felt forced to interact and be on your best behavior with other family members—grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. During your school years, how your teachers and coaches related to you may have had a significant effect on your beliefs about your own intelligence, capacity to learn, and ability to compete. All of these relationships continue to affect how you relate to yourself and others, your self-confidence, as well as your view of life today.

This is where Resonance Repatterning® comes in. This method, developed by Chloe Faith Wordsworth, releases the resonance with unresolved harmful experiences, the unmet life needs, along with the resulting feelings and beliefs. You may want to consider going to the Repatterning Practitioners Association website and choosing a certified practitioner you feel guided to working with and give them a call. You’ll be amazed at the results.

May the wisdom inside you take you on a journey into your heart where your greatness abides. Now, that’s living a heart-centered, extraordinary life!

Lovingly Submitted,

Victoria Benoit, M.C.                                                                                                          

Healer, Speaker, Amazon #1 Bestselling Author, What Would Love Do Right Now?  A Guide to Living an Extraordinary Life.

Four Steps to Making Amends

Making amends is about others and restoring those relationships that you have broken or damaged. The desire to make amends arises when you’re willing to take responsibility for what happened and the impact it had on those involved. It’s not suitable for everyday mishaps—it’s best used for significant incidents that warrant extra consideration and may simply depend on the importance of the relationship.

When you harm others and make no effort to repair the relationship, you tend to avoid those people and large areas of your life become closed off. When you begin making amends, you have the opportunity to restore your relationships and have those areas open up again.

Seeking to mend a relationship involves forgiving yourself, offering a sincere apology, making necessary restitution, and accepting responsibility by taking steps to avoid making the same mistake in the future.

Step 1: Forgiving Yourself

Being able to make amends to others starts with forgiving yourself. In his tiny buddha® blog Michael Davidson says, “Forgiving yourself is far more challenging than forgiving someone else, because you must live with yourself and your thoughts 24/7.”

When you’ve done something you consider wrong, the accompanying emotion registers in your nervous system. For example, you may feel guilty if you mistreated someone; or you may feel sad, if you made a mistake that cost you a friendship. When these emotions register, they usually contribute to negative thoughts and limiting beliefs you have about yourself, like “I can’t do anything right,” or “I’m a bad person.”

More than anything else, forgiving yourself requires that you acknowledge your actions have consequences for yourself and others. However, any attempt to forgive yourself—before letting go of the negative emotions and beliefs—won’t work. You’ll just continue to berate yourself, because your nervous system is in control.

Step 2: Offering a Sincere Apology

In order for an apology to be effective, it must be genuine and go to the heart of the matter for the person you wronged. Consider carefully what you’re going to say. Be accountable—don’t make excuses or deflect blame. Be sure to include the crucial words, I’m sorry.

  • State what happened.

“I’m sorry I didn’t pay you back when I promised I would.”

  • Acknowledge the impact your actions had on the other person to show that you fully understand.

“I know it was my fault that you had to cancel your vacation.”

  • Express your desire to restore this relationship.

“Our relationship means a lot to me.”

Step 3: Making Restitution

Whether you’ve robbed someone of time, money, property, trust, attention, dignity, or well-being, it’s important to do what you can to restore that which you’ve taken.

The essence of restitution is finding out what the other person needs and determining if, and when, you can provide that. It starts with an inquiry.

  • Ask what the person needs from you to restore the relationship.

“How can I make it up to you?”

Then, let the other person respond. Just listen. If the request is ethical and you’re willing to fulfill on it, you have two options:

  • Agree to their request and time frame.

“I can do that when I get paid on Friday.”

  • Suggest an alternative if you’re unable to comply.

“I can’t pay you in full now, but I will make weekly payments.”

Step 4: Accepting Responsibility

Accepting responsibility is about making a genuine change in your behavior and taking on a whole new way of living.

Everyone has made mistakes, but the only mistakes that will undermine your happiness are the ones you’re unwilling to admit.

Be honest in expressing what you’ve learned from this mistake. This helps the other person trust that you’re sincerely making amends for your past behavior. Describe the ways in which you’re making changes in your life to refrain from repeating the wrongdoing.

  • Admit your transgression.

“I was wrong to take your money and not honor my agreement.”

  • Tell what you’ve learned.

“I’ve learned that I’ve been totally unreliable about money.”

  • Declare any action(s) you’re taking.

“I’m participating in a debt management course, and I’m having 10% of my paycheck directly deposited into a savings account.”

Keep it simple. A long apology will start to lose its power. Make your points clearly and effectively.

Give the other person time to respond. Grant them the space, time, and freedom to vent, if necessary. Be willing to listen without judgment and accept their point of view, even if some of their perceptions of the situation seem inaccurate. They have every right to feel the way they feel.

Keep in mind, although making amends can free you, it doesn’t always mean that the relationship will be restored—or that the process will be sufficient for the other person to forgive you.

In the Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12-Step program, Step 9 states, “Make direct amends to those people you have harmed wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” When direct amends is not possible or appropriate, there are many ways to complete the four-step process without personal contact. For example: you could write the person a letter; you could imagine yourself having a conversation with the other person; you could create a collage. Your mind does not know the difference between what is real and imagined, which is why visualization is so powerful.

You will be amazed how clean the slate becomes by making amends. Remember to be gentle with yourself throughout the process.

If someone is making amends to you, let them. Be generous and be gracious. Refrain from making the restitution you request out of proportion with what they did.

This is where Resonance Repatterning® comes in. This method, developed by Chloe Faith Wordsworth, releases the resonance with any unhealed parts of yourself that would keep you from forgiving yourself and/or others. You may want to consider going to the Repatterning Practitioners Association website and choosing a certified practitioner you feel guided to working with and give them a call. You’ll be amazed at the results.

May the wisdom inside you take you on a journey into your heart where your greatness abides. Now, that’s living a heart-centered, extraordinary life!

Lovingly Submitted,

Victoria Benoit, M.C.

Healer, Speaker, Amazon #1 Bestselling Author, What Would Love Do Right Now?  A Guide to Living an Extraordinary Life.