Stop avoiding others and experience being fully self-expressed.
Healing hurt feelings with people in your community—who impacted you in childhood, or as an adult—gives you the freedom to be yourself, fully self-expressed and able to speak your truth to others. It gives you the capacity to expand and accept others just the way they are, and actively participate in activities with others you previously avoided.
Extended community members include: friends, family friends, babysitters, students, kids on the playground, schoolyard bullies, teachers, coaches, neighbors, clergy, club and scout leaders, librarians, doctors, nurses, landlords, social media contacts, etc.—everyone you consider to be part of your community.
When you consider there are many reasons such as, gossip, addictions, intimidation, intolerance, negative outlook, paranoia, mistrust, hatred, etc.—which are not necessarily intentional—you can grant your community members forgiveness with more compassion for their hurtful reactions and behaviors.
This is how I healed my relationships with several friends.
• In January of every year, I take an inventory of my life and my relationships. It occurred to me that several friendships had ended abruptly—out of the blue—without so much as an explanation. And, to this day I still have no idea why.
• To resolve the grief I felt, I was committed to healing the rejection, confusion, betrayal, devastation, sadness, and anger I experienced with each friend and then to reveal and heal the origin of the pattern. First, let me tell you a little about each friend and what happened.
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• SUE. We met while attending Alison Armstrong’s Understanding Men, Celebrating Women workshop. We were talking weekly, by phone, openly sharing what was going on with the men in our lives and exchanging feedback. We were inspiring each other to remember what we had learned in the workshop. We both signed up for a second workshop in California and decided to share a hotel room, to cut down on expenses. Since Sue was flying in, I drove over from Phoenix with a couple of coolers of food for both of us. We spent the week together enjoying each other’s company.
• I noticed that Sue was a get up, get ready, and get out the door kind of gal—and I’m not. I really enjoy taking my time in the morning.
• One morning, when I had just gotten up, Sue announced she wanted to leave in ten minutes. I got ready as quickly as I could. However, I needed to wash my hair, so it was almost an hour before I was ready. I knew she was upset, and I could feel her frustration, but I really couldn’t—with a moment’s notice—make it work for both of us.
• I respectfully requested, “In the future, please let me know what your plans are, so I can accommodate your needs and still stay true to myself.” Without further discussion, I drove us to the workshop and picked up coffee on the way. The rest of our time together at the workshop went well. I assumed the incident was resolved.
• After returning home from the workshop, we were both very busy and didn’t talk for a couple of weeks. When Sue called me, the first thing she said was, “I no longer want to be friends with you.” She didn’t give me any reason, she just said, “I don’t want to talk about it or tell you what’s going on. I simply need to pull away and no longer engage with you.” I was stunned! I hung up the phone in tears.
• WOW! No explanation! My mind was racing—what did I say or do to deserve this? What could I have possibly done to cause this? Since she wouldn’t tell me anything, I assumed it was because her expectations were not met on that fateful morning in California.
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• REBECCA. We met through mutual friends who had mutual interests. Rebecca and I began hanging out together every month or so, sharing—practitioner to practitioner—our different healing methods. Rebecca had expertise in Native American ceremonies which intrigued me. Although she was quite a bit younger than I, she was exceptionally wise for her years.
• Rebecca asked me to mentor her in the five healing methods I was proficient at, in exchange for therapeutic massages from her. She was curious about all of them and wanted to learn about each one. We got together for a coaching session within a week. She was particularly interested in Resonance Repatterning® so I gave her some of my old books to review and we scheduled another session in two weeks.
• When she called for her coaching session, she told me she had broken her foot, and let me know that she needed time to herself to heal and get ready to move to a new home. She requested to suspend our mentoring sessions for the time being and I agreed.
• I waited a couple of weeks and reached out to her as a friend, just to see how she was doing and to ask if she needed any help moving. She didn’t return my voicemail until a month later.
• That call was fraught with emotion and her tone was harsh and angry. Here’s how the conversation went:
• “You betrayed my trust and I no longer want to have anything to do with you!” she shouted.
• “What are you talking about? What did I say or do that offended you?”
• “I don’t want to talk about it!” she snapped.
• “How can I apologize for something when I don’t even know what happened? Please tell me what’s going on.”
• “Rebecca, I would never intentionally do or say anything to harm you. I care about you.”
• OK, if you ever want to talk about it, just call. Have a great life.” We both hung up.
• WOW! I still have no idea what happened. I assumed one of our mutual friends said something insensitive implicating me and a misunderstanding ensued.
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• ANTON. I met Anton at a dance lesson. I was fascinated by his accent and his eastern European culture. During the four months we were dating, I came to realize that he wanted me to behave in ways that were inconsistent with my true nature. He expected me to eat what he thought I should eat—including things I told him were detrimental to my health; to spend less time with my friends; to stop social activities he didn’t want to participate in; to wear what he thought I should wear; to always watch movies he wanted to watch; it even got down to what time of day I was supposed to take a shower.
• I stopped dating him, although we managed to remain friends, which was working just fine for both of us. We still danced together weekly at the dance studio and saw each other at other social events.
• The holidays were coming and he was scheduled to have major surgery. I called him a few days before his surgery—here’s how the conversation went:
• “Do you want me to take you to the hospital?” I asked.
• “Do you want me to come to the hospital to visit you?”
• “Do you want me to pick up your son, who’s flying in tomorrow?”
• “Do you want to get together for Christmas?”
• “No. I have to go now.”
• “So, this is all you have to say?”
• “You’re not going to tell me what’s going on?”
• “OK then. Thanks for the memories. Hope your surgery goes well.”
• WOW! Again—goodbye, so long, adios, sayonara, arrivederci—dropped like a hot potato with no explanation. I can only assume that our relationship wasn’t worth pursuing because he couldn’t change me to meet his needs and desires.
Since I still have no clue why each friend behaved in such a hurtful manner, I initially blamed them. So, to heal my experience, I imagined each friend genuinely saying to me, “I am sorry.” I suddenly felt so free that I decided to visualize myself apologizing to each of them for any harm I may have caused them.
The Pattern. This deep dive into lost friendships revealed a pattern of people dear to me abruptly leaving without an explanation. It occurred to me that this pattern originated when my father left—without an explanation—when I was 12, so I healed that as well.
Does the Magical Healing Process really make a difference? Yes, and to live a magical life, there’s no hope in avoidance. Going into the unknown parts of yourself from your past may not be easy, however, it is necessary.
There are only two predominant things going on in your life. You either have something you don’t want (shame, blame, guilt, anger, envy, frustration, resentment, or regret). Or, you want something you don’t have.
Is transformational support available? For those who want to have an extraordinary, remarkable, exceptional, outstanding, incredible, phenomenal, unbelievable, amazing, astonishing, astounding, marvelous, fantastic, magnificent, wonderful, sensational, miraculous, fabulous, stupendous, out of this world, terrific, awesome, and wondrous life, feel free to choose a certified practitioner on the Repatterning Practitioners Association website who can support you in identifying and releasing negative beliefs, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, habits, and detrimental patterns that prevent you from living a magical life.
Victoria Benoit, M.C.
Mind/Body Repatterning Practitioner
Amazon #1 Bestselling Author of What Would Love Do Right Now? A Guide to Living an Extraordinary Life, and Three Magical Words for a Magical Life.
“It’s not an easy journey to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.” ~ Tyler Perry